Saee is going to Indore

I remember the time when she was nine months old. I had landed a new job that would keep me from eight in the morning to six in the evening. It was my first day at work. I wanted to work, but the look on Saee's face put lead in my feet. All day at work, all I could think of, was the way Saee cried when I left. I quit my job two months later. It was too much. I couldn't stay away from her that long anymore.

We have come a long way since that time. Since then, Saee has made numerous trips, sometimes a week long, to twenty days long, to Indore with her grandmother. Alone. Every one of those trips, I secretly hoped that she would throw a fit, and not want to go, and cling to me. Today is one of those days. Not only is she going to Indore with her grandmother, she is super excited about it too! Much to my chagrin, she won't even show any signs of separation anxiety. If anyone is anxious about separation, it's me.

I most certainly don't like it when she is gone. Although, it gives me some time, and people think I am lucky to be getting time-out, I, for one, don't want the time-out. Without her, my time seems to have stalled. I miss her till I think I am going to be crazy.

If it's any consolation, this time I have Sayalee to keep me occupied. I thought that having Sayalee meant that I'll not miss Saee so much. I couldn't be more wrong. Having Sayalee is nice, for sure. But in no way does my love for Saee change in any manner. I still love her as much as I did before. What they say is right. It is possible to love two children without bias. I love them both passionately.

While I am looking forward to the two magic words that would bring twinkle to any new mommy's eyes, "more sleep", I do wish she would show some traces of anxiety. Damn you, girl! Before I know it, you will bring a boy to my doorstep claiming he's the love of your life, and that you want to get married! I wonder how I will react that day. Probably like a miserable old woman, too possessive of her daughter to give her away to some... guy! Ah, well. When you think about it, I did the same. My mom very graciously accepted Shrikant into her life and gave away my hand in marriage. Of course, she was miserable too, but at least she wasn't as hysterical as I am hoping I 'won't' get. And then, at Saee's age, I always clung to her, and never left her for a single day. If and when I did go to my grandmother's house, it would only be for a day, and I'd spend the entire day glued to the window waiting to see my mother coming to get me. No hint of that clinginess in my daughter. Sigh! If each of us got exactly what we wanted...

Maybe God is preparing me for that day 20 odd years later. I'll definitely show this blog to her then, and hope she cries, at least that one time. :-(

(Crazy, selfish me!)

Sayalee's first Diwali

I was a little scared. This is Sayalee's very first Diwali. As such, she is a fitful sleeper. I thought that the sound of firecrackers bursting all around her would make her irritable and cranky. Thankfully, that hasn't seemed to bother her much, and she is sleeping peacefully through all the ruckus.

Diwali this year, is extra special for all of us. This is our first Diwali as a complete family. Strange, when we were newly married, I couldn't conceive of life as a single person anymore. When Saee was born, it felt as though we were living in a bubble before she came into our lives. Like, life wasn't life when she wasn't with us. Now that Sayalee has arrived into our lives, it's like suddenly life is truly complete.

It's not all without troubles though. We have to schedule our work around her. When one of us works, the other has to remain free to look after her. I don't know how I managed to make chakalis and papadi though all that. Speaking of papdi, they are like small papads, made of chickpea flour which is  kneaded int boiled colocasia roots (arvi), along with spices. The dough must be so firm that you can roll it into wafer thin papads, without using dry flour for dusting, or oil. My mother-in-law tells me that they used to have rolling contests, to see who can roll the papads the thinnest. She told me that you should be able to read a newspaper through it, that's how thin it should be rolled. I took it up as a challenge, but boy! Was it difficult! I wonder how the ladies who make Lijjat papads for a living, do it every single day. The rolling was tedious, for sure, but the kneading quite literally wore me out. Initially it's easy when the dough is soft. You keep adding the flour, till u think, okay! This dough won't accept any more flour. I took the dough, which I thought was perfect, to my mother-in-law for her approval, quite confidently, when she frowned and said, no! It's still way too thin! It needs more flour. After four more times of "more flour!" finally, she said, "looks okay!" :-(





My hands were so swollen from the kneading,  it hurt me even to hold Sayalee's bottle. In the evening we went out and bought cute little clothes for Saee and a jumper and sweater for Sayalee. I even bought my dear Sayalee a finger-brush. Being the incorrigible dentist that I am, it is simply inconceivable that she shouldn't be able to clean her mouth every morning. Laugh, if you must, but people always compliment Saee's dentition.

Here's a picture of my little cutiepie on her first Diwali.

Finally... The first social smile!

I have been tired before, but this was simply ridiculous. Sleep deprived and unable to focus, I haven't felt myself lately to be able to post. Children having colds are irritable, but infants having colds are a nightmare! It may come across as insensitive to those who don't have kids yet. Be patient, your time will come too. There is a reason why colds are called, common!

It does sound insensitive, because here is a tiny, frail, (helpless, yet not so helpless) infant whose wee little nose is congested with goo. She can't breathe properly, can't feed properly and most importantly can't sleep properly. She is miserable, and she lets you know it. Common colds make the best of us miserable. But now the tables are turned. You are the mother, the ultimate caretaker. The epitome of love and goodness. I don't know why mothers are perceived to be saintlike. Hardly feel saintly though. It takes a good amount of self-control to not scream in frustration, when you are not able to sleep too, feel overworked and overtired, and the incessant crying just gets to you. You feel like the whole world is going to collapse around you. Like the world is completely dark.

Just then, the sun comes out. The cold tides over, and you have a manageable baby once again. Not just manageable, something you had almost given up as 'not gonna happen this week', happens. Your baby looks at you, recognizes you, and gives you the most heartwarming smile that melts, literally melts you. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, better in this whole world than your own baby smiling at you. All the hard work and fruitless first couple of weeks seem to be worth it. Just when you think that you can't take it anymore, you get the fuel for going on.

In the end, it pays to go by Mr. Aamir Khan's mantra in '3 Idiots', "Aal ij well"!!!