Edward Scissorhands!

I came to Vasai, completely packed I thought for the four days I was going to be here. Darn it, I forgot to pack the nail-cutter. It is only now I realize how fast children's nails grow. I am scratched in so many places I am sure I must look like the female version of Edward Scissorhands. The anemia gives the pale look, and the hair gives the final finishing touches :-D

Sayalee is growing up so fast, I can almost see her as the tiny person she is going to be in just a few months. It is amazing in retrospect how fast children grow in their first year, as compared to all the other years. They do grow significantly even later, but the first year is simply like a burst of growth. Just yesterday this little girl was freshly out of the oven, didn't understand anything, and most definitely couldn't do anything except cry. Now she is able to smile, laugh, look for me, roll over, lift her head when she is on her tummy. It is so amazing to see her shape up. I am reliving those moments of Saee's life, and recording them in my memory so I never forget.

Being Santa

I remember when I was about ten years old. For years Mom had kept the image of a real Santa Claus going in my mind. I would look forward to getting presents from Santa for being a good girl all round the year. I'd write for what I wanted on a piece of paper, and was always so excited to receive the gift from him on Christmas morning. I really thought that when I was asleep, a big fat and cuddly man in red and white clothes with a big flowing white beard came with a huge sack and deposited the gift under the pillow. Never once did I doubt about his existence. He was real, Mom said so!

Then one Christmas, (perhaps jealous?) my brother Mandar burst my bubble. He told me that no such person exists. It was Mom who gets those gifts and keeps them at my bedside. I think a part of me knew that this was the reality. But I felt offended, with no idea why. Deep down, don't we all yearn for there to be a Santa Claus? Even as adults, in times of oppression like the ghastly acts going on in our country these days, don't we all wish for some goodness in this world. That if we are good all round the year, something good will happen to us? These things are happening for two reasons. People have lost hope, and lost fear. They know that nothing good will come out of being idealistic. And they know that nothing will happen no matter how bad they are, or what wrongs they do. I have two daughters. I want  to let them have wings and be independent. I really do. But ask me how afraid I am to even think of such things. Those monsters won't even spare toddlers.

I guess it was the disillusionment. Growing up, isn't that disillusionment too? We nurse such beautiful fantasies when we are younger? Slowly but surely as we grow up, and like the skin of an onion the fantasies peel away, until all the peels are gone and you are left with nothing. Hearts become empty. Alright, I have done it again. I started something on a positive note, and ended up with a melancholy feeling. Damn the lunar influence of my sun sign!

I relived those old moments in Saee, when Shrikant and I played Santa Claus. I asked her first what she wanted from Santa. Of course she had to tell me, as she couldn't write notes yet. First she asked for a Barbie doll. Uh-oh! Then she asked for some specific Hello Kitty toy, which I don't know anything about. She saw one at her friend's and she wanted the exact same. So I told her that I'll get it for her birthday. Ultimately on  shopping trip we ended up buying a huge cream and powder blue teddy bear. It was soft, and so cuddly! Now the question was, how to get Saee to think that this is what she wanted. I asked her if she wanted something big or small. She said, "Big". Okay, did she want something hard or soft? "Soft!" came the pat reply. Okay, what's big and soft? "Mummy I want a teddy bear!"  But what color? "Skin colored." Hmm...  can pass off cream as skin colored. And what other color? "Pink!" Oh but honey, don't you already have two pink teddies? So obviously the next favorite color was going to be... "Blue!"

Mission accomplished!

Yippee! Sayalee Rolls Over!

Isn't it exciting when after weeks of unresponsiveness, and not being able to do much, your baby finally learns to take its first independent steps? Okay, that's going too far, Sayalee is still pretty far from taking steps, even baby ones. Right now her baby steps involve one major milestone. The s'milestone' she covered in her second month. The third month went by without much significant development, except she was able to focus and see better. That just meant, that she could see me better, which meant no going to anyone else except Mommy. It is paradoxical. On one hand there is the pain and irritation of having to carry your infant all the time, on the other there is a sadistic satisfaction in knowing that you are 'The Mommy' and your child wants no one but you. Hee hee, perils of motherhood!

It happened all too suddenly. I was getting ready to go on a shopping trip. I had her ready in cute clothes. I had turned around to do some other work. I turned back to see my little one flipped over. It was so exciting, I clicked pictures immediately.

By the way, I broke my glasses a few days ago and I haven't yet got my new glasses, so please forgive me if a couple of pictures are out-of-focus. It certainly doesn't help that Sayalee doesn't remain still for even a second. Excuses, really!

Thank Gawd for Hired Help!

Finally help is at hand. God sent me an angel by the name of Gracy. She really is heaven-sent, in that she helps me with almost everything. All I have to do is look after Sayalee, 'cause God only knows that she is one full-time job. Mostly Saee was suffering, because without help, I wasn't able to cook on time. What with Sayalee being a fickle sleeper, it was like walking on eggshells.

Things are slightly better now. The angel does take good money for all the work she does, but hey, life has become expensive for everyone. Everyone needs to fill their children's tummies. With women like Gracy, whose husbands are drunk good-for-nothings, they need the money even more. She had the guts to leave him and move to her Aunt's home, where she keeps her children. I have tremendous respect for women like her. And that is why I don't begrudge a few extra monies, as she really does a lot around the house.

With Sayalee, things are slightly better. With slightly, I really mean only very marginally. I have tried applying the E.A.S.Y technique of the baby whisperer to Sayalee. Saee being a textbook baby, was quick to adapt to the schedule, and made my life pretty easy. Sayalee is one tough nut to crack. Everyday I struggle to put her on a routine, and I don't mean by the clock. Just a predictable routine, where she wakes up, feeds, plays and then goes to sleep. Easier said than done. As it is, it is tough to get her to sleep, and when she finally does drift off, her sleep is so light, that a pin drops somewhere and she is wide awake. I am not complaining, just calling a spade, a spade.

Yet, with most days now she has begun to adapt. I have begun to understand most her cries. Which one is a hunger cry, and which one is a sleepy cry. There is one more cry that goes, "I know I want something, I don't know what, but I want it now" cry. Yup! Very lady-like! All I can do in such times is shush her into calm.

Things go for a toss on days like today. There was an important parents-teachers meeting in Saee's school. I had to go, and I had to carry Sayalee along. Gracy is good, but Sayalee won't be with her for a second. It threw her off schedule, not that it is very hard for Sayalee to be off schedule. But one good thing came of it, I finally made some friends. Mothers of Saee's friends, of course. Still, it is good to know at least some people and make friends :)


Thank God for little mercies :)

Saee is going to Indore

I remember the time when she was nine months old. I had landed a new job that would keep me from eight in the morning to six in the evening. It was my first day at work. I wanted to work, but the look on Saee's face put lead in my feet. All day at work, all I could think of, was the way Saee cried when I left. I quit my job two months later. It was too much. I couldn't stay away from her that long anymore.

We have come a long way since that time. Since then, Saee has made numerous trips, sometimes a week long, to twenty days long, to Indore with her grandmother. Alone. Every one of those trips, I secretly hoped that she would throw a fit, and not want to go, and cling to me. Today is one of those days. Not only is she going to Indore with her grandmother, she is super excited about it too! Much to my chagrin, she won't even show any signs of separation anxiety. If anyone is anxious about separation, it's me.

I most certainly don't like it when she is gone. Although, it gives me some time, and people think I am lucky to be getting time-out, I, for one, don't want the time-out. Without her, my time seems to have stalled. I miss her till I think I am going to be crazy.

If it's any consolation, this time I have Sayalee to keep me occupied. I thought that having Sayalee meant that I'll not miss Saee so much. I couldn't be more wrong. Having Sayalee is nice, for sure. But in no way does my love for Saee change in any manner. I still love her as much as I did before. What they say is right. It is possible to love two children without bias. I love them both passionately.

While I am looking forward to the two magic words that would bring twinkle to any new mommy's eyes, "more sleep", I do wish she would show some traces of anxiety. Damn you, girl! Before I know it, you will bring a boy to my doorstep claiming he's the love of your life, and that you want to get married! I wonder how I will react that day. Probably like a miserable old woman, too possessive of her daughter to give her away to some... guy! Ah, well. When you think about it, I did the same. My mom very graciously accepted Shrikant into her life and gave away my hand in marriage. Of course, she was miserable too, but at least she wasn't as hysterical as I am hoping I 'won't' get. And then, at Saee's age, I always clung to her, and never left her for a single day. If and when I did go to my grandmother's house, it would only be for a day, and I'd spend the entire day glued to the window waiting to see my mother coming to get me. No hint of that clinginess in my daughter. Sigh! If each of us got exactly what we wanted...

Maybe God is preparing me for that day 20 odd years later. I'll definitely show this blog to her then, and hope she cries, at least that one time. :-(

(Crazy, selfish me!)

Sayalee's first Diwali

I was a little scared. This is Sayalee's very first Diwali. As such, she is a fitful sleeper. I thought that the sound of firecrackers bursting all around her would make her irritable and cranky. Thankfully, that hasn't seemed to bother her much, and she is sleeping peacefully through all the ruckus.

Diwali this year, is extra special for all of us. This is our first Diwali as a complete family. Strange, when we were newly married, I couldn't conceive of life as a single person anymore. When Saee was born, it felt as though we were living in a bubble before she came into our lives. Like, life wasn't life when she wasn't with us. Now that Sayalee has arrived into our lives, it's like suddenly life is truly complete.

It's not all without troubles though. We have to schedule our work around her. When one of us works, the other has to remain free to look after her. I don't know how I managed to make chakalis and papadi though all that. Speaking of papdi, they are like small papads, made of chickpea flour which is  kneaded int boiled colocasia roots (arvi), along with spices. The dough must be so firm that you can roll it into wafer thin papads, without using dry flour for dusting, or oil. My mother-in-law tells me that they used to have rolling contests, to see who can roll the papads the thinnest. She told me that you should be able to read a newspaper through it, that's how thin it should be rolled. I took it up as a challenge, but boy! Was it difficult! I wonder how the ladies who make Lijjat papads for a living, do it every single day. The rolling was tedious, for sure, but the kneading quite literally wore me out. Initially it's easy when the dough is soft. You keep adding the flour, till u think, okay! This dough won't accept any more flour. I took the dough, which I thought was perfect, to my mother-in-law for her approval, quite confidently, when she frowned and said, no! It's still way too thin! It needs more flour. After four more times of "more flour!" finally, she said, "looks okay!" :-(





My hands were so swollen from the kneading,  it hurt me even to hold Sayalee's bottle. In the evening we went out and bought cute little clothes for Saee and a jumper and sweater for Sayalee. I even bought my dear Sayalee a finger-brush. Being the incorrigible dentist that I am, it is simply inconceivable that she shouldn't be able to clean her mouth every morning. Laugh, if you must, but people always compliment Saee's dentition.

Here's a picture of my little cutiepie on her first Diwali.

Finally... The first social smile!

I have been tired before, but this was simply ridiculous. Sleep deprived and unable to focus, I haven't felt myself lately to be able to post. Children having colds are irritable, but infants having colds are a nightmare! It may come across as insensitive to those who don't have kids yet. Be patient, your time will come too. There is a reason why colds are called, common!

It does sound insensitive, because here is a tiny, frail, (helpless, yet not so helpless) infant whose wee little nose is congested with goo. She can't breathe properly, can't feed properly and most importantly can't sleep properly. She is miserable, and she lets you know it. Common colds make the best of us miserable. But now the tables are turned. You are the mother, the ultimate caretaker. The epitome of love and goodness. I don't know why mothers are perceived to be saintlike. Hardly feel saintly though. It takes a good amount of self-control to not scream in frustration, when you are not able to sleep too, feel overworked and overtired, and the incessant crying just gets to you. You feel like the whole world is going to collapse around you. Like the world is completely dark.

Just then, the sun comes out. The cold tides over, and you have a manageable baby once again. Not just manageable, something you had almost given up as 'not gonna happen this week', happens. Your baby looks at you, recognizes you, and gives you the most heartwarming smile that melts, literally melts you. There is nothing, and I mean nothing, better in this whole world than your own baby smiling at you. All the hard work and fruitless first couple of weeks seem to be worth it. Just when you think that you can't take it anymore, you get the fuel for going on.

In the end, it pays to go by Mr. Aamir Khan's mantra in '3 Idiots', "Aal ij well"!!!